Burning House
by AllAboutBenson
Summary: Olivia and Alex allow memories of the past to replay themselves. Will Alex come back to Olivia and Noah? (A/U, Alex is still around, Noah comes to live with Olivia.) Chapter titles are the songs that they were inspired by. I highly recommend listening to the songs before/while reading. I don't own the characters.
1. Burning House

Heavy rain pelted the foggy window just above the worn leather couch. Olivia gently placed a record onto the tabletop player, lowered the needle, and sighed as the first notes of Bach's "Passacaglia and Fugue in C Minor" filled the room. Olivia wasn't a fan of classical music, but ever since Alex had left, she had listened to this concerto over and over again until she'd memorized every second of it. It was Alex's favorite, and it was the only thing that she'd found so far to bring her any comfort. Olivia sat down and leaned sideways against the back of the couch. Reaching over, she grabbed the grey sweatshirt off the arm of the couch, wrapped her arms around it, and held it close to her. She pressed it to her face and breathed in the familiar scent that still lingered on it. She closed her eyes and drifted back to the night she'd given it to Alex.

 _"_ _Olivia!" Alex called, banging on the door. "It's Alex, open the door, please?!" Alex's voice was shaking, and Olivia could sense the urgency in her voice through the door. She rushed across the apartment, flung the door open, and before she knew what was happening, Alex was in her arms sobbing uncontrollably. They stood in the doorway, Olivia's arms wrapped around the blonde, for what felt like forever. When Alex finally pulled away from her embrace, she managed to catch her breath just long enough to mumble the words "He's gone," before she continued to cry into Olivia's shoulder. Alex was sopping wet after walking across the city in a rain storm to get to Olivia's apartment. She was cold, shaking, and distraught. Olivia ushered into the bathroom where she fixed her a warm bath. Without any resistance, Alex let the brunette Detective peel her saturated clothing off of her while she just stood there and cried. Olivia turned around to let her friend remove the final articles of clothing herself. Without words or any direction, Alex removed her bra and underwear, stepped into the bubbly water, and sat down. Once she was covered by the bubbles, Olivia turned around to shut the water off, and then kissed the blondes forehead before exiting the bathroom. She returned a few minutes later with a tray of hot tea, honey, and milk. She fixed the tea just how she knew Alex liked it, and handed the cup to the blonde. Olivia left a set of pajamas on the bathroom counter; her NYPD sweatpants, a t-shirt, and her favorite grey hoodie. She left without a word, and waited for Alex to join her in the living room. Half an hour later, Olivia was sitting on the couch reading a book when she heard footsteps. Alex stepped quietly out of the bathroom and made her way to the couch. Olivia put her book down, and Alex sat down right next to her, curling up to the brunette and resting her head on her chest. Olivia comfortingly pushed Alex's hair away from her face and pulled her in close. It was minutes before Alex spoke. "He's gone, Liv," she choked, "Uncle Bill, he's gone." Olivia rubbed Alex's back until her crying had ceased, and not long after, Alex was fast asleep on Olivia's shoulder. The brunette turned off the light and let Alex sleep. She knew Alex needed it. And if she was being honest, she'd imagined this moment a million times before, under different circumstances, of course. She leaned down and kissed the top of Alex's head._

 _"_ _I love you, Lex," she whispered. Soon, she was asleep herself._

Olivia opened her eyes and looked out the window. Ever since that night, and the night after, her favorite hoodie had been hijacked by the stunning blonde ADA; along with her heart, and her spare house key. It had been over a year since that night, and almost three weeks since Alex had left, but the memories were still so fresh. The clarinet solo flowing from the record player gave Olivia goosebumps. She watched cars pass on the street below, and wondered if Alex had ever driven by her apartment like she'd driven by Alex's so many times. The booming orchestra entered the song in the background, and brought Olivia right back to the night they'd danced to the song in the kitchen.

 _"_ _Dinner is almost ready!" Alex called from the kitchen. Olivia quickly moved all of the case files off of the table, making room for the roast that Alex had been working on all day. Alex turned the corner, bringing place settings to the table. She placed them neatly on the table, and then turned towards Olivia. She wrapped her arms around the brunette, leaning up to press her lips against Olivia's. A new song began to play from the living room, and she smiled wide when she recognized the melody. "Dance with me?" she asked, "This one is my favorite." Olivia happily pulled the blonde in close to her, placing her hands on the woman's hips, and they swayed back and forth to the song. As the song was about to end, the timer sounded on the oven and Alex kissed Olivia's cheek before scurrying off to the kitchen to check the roast. Olivia sat down at the table, waiting for her girlfriend to serve dinner. Alex returned with two perfectly plated dinners, and set one down in front of Olivia. "Happy Anniversary," she said, kissing Olivia._

That dinner was the last happy memory that she had with Alex. Most days she wished she could erase that year of her life. She wanted to forget the happiness that Alex had brought to her. She wanted to forget the love they once had, or could have had still. Three days after their one year anniversary dinner, Olivia found out that Noah would be coming to live with her. She had discussed it with Alex before, and though Alex had said she liked the idea of Olivia fostering him, she was still hesitant. She didn't want kids, and she wondered where it would leave her own relationship with Olivia if Noah became a permanent part of Olivia's family. Alex was career driven; she was already married to the job, and sometimes she found it hard to balance work with her relationship. Olivia was understanding, but Alex knew that children weren't as forgiving and she worried about being seen as an absent parent. The judge's decision to approve Olivia as a foster parent had come back a lot sooner than Alex had expected. Olivia had no idea at the time that the best day of her life would also become the worst. Now, alone in her apartment, that day was replaying itself in her head for the millionth time.

 _Olivia left work that Friday night, picked up Noah from the DCF children's center, and brought him home for the first time. On her way home, she'd called Alex to see if she wanted to come over to celebrate, but Alex declined. Later that night, after Olivia had tucked Noah into bed, she laid down in her own bed, too excited to sleep. She looked at the empty space in the bed next to her, and found herself wishing that Alex could be there with her every night. After a lot of thought, she decided that in the morning, she was going to ask Alex to move in with her. Alex was there most of the time anyway, and it was important to her that Noah had all the love in his life that he deserved._

 _Morning came faster than Olivia was prepared for, but her new morning routine went seemingly well for the first day. She woke early to make coffee, prepared Noah's breakfast, and then woke him up. She dressed him, brushed his hair, and played 'airplane' with his banana pieces while he giggled at her mediocre airplane noises. When they'd finished breakfast, she tucked him into his carseat, and drove him over to Uncle Barba's house._

 _"_ _Have fun with Uncle Bubba," she said, kissing Noah one more time before leaving. Noah had trouble saying 'Barba' so it usually came out sounding like 'Bubba,' and it just kind of stuck. "And thanks, Rafael, I really appreciate you watching him last minute."_

 _"_ _Good luck, Liv," Rafael said, waving from the top of the front steps as she made her way down the front walkway._

 _"_ _Thanks, I love you both!" she called. Knowing that Noah was in the best hands, she got into the car and started mentally preparing herself for asking Alex to move in. The drive home seemed to take forever, but that was probably just her nerves. She got home with a few minutes to spare before Alex was due to arrive. She tidied up the apartment, and started another pot of coffee. The familiar sound of keys in the front door made her stomach sink in nervousness. Olivia brought two cups of coffee to the kitchen table, and stepped into the hall as Alex was hanging her jacket up on the coat rack._

 _"_ _Good Morning, beautiful," Olivia greeted her, leaning in to kiss Alex._

 _"_ _Morning," Alex stated, turning her head away from Olivia's kiss. Olivia retreated, thrown off by Alex's unusual attitude._

 _"_ _What's wrong, Lex? Are you okay?" she asked, genuinely concerned. She reached out to hug the blonde, who proceeded to step back, avoiding the contact._

 _"_ _Olivia, I think we need to talk," Alex said quietly. She couldn't make eye contact with the brunette._

 _"_ _Okay, do you want to sit down?" Olivia offered. Alex fought back tears as she shook her head, declining the brunette's offer._

 _"_ _No, I can't really stay," she began. Her voice was shaking, just like it had been the night she found out her Uncle Bill had passed away, and Olivia knew she was trying not to cry._

 _"_ _Alex, what's going on?" Olivia questioned, this time a little scared of the answer._

 _"_ _Olivia, I can't do this anymore," Alex managed to say, before she began shaking and tears started rolling down her cheeks. It took Olivia a minute to process what Alex was saying, and when she realized what was actually happening, she got choked up. "I'm sorry, Liv, I really am, but I can't do this. We want different things from this relationship, and I would never ask you to chose between Noah and I. I love you, Olivia, I do, but I'm just not ready for this. It's happening so fast and I'm just not there yet. I want you to be happy, it just can't be with me." Olivia had managed to hold herself together until now, but now she was crying too._

 _"_ _Don't tell me you love me if you're walking away, Alex," she said, angry. "Don't tell me you want me to be happy, when you are who makes me happy." She looked at Alex, her eyes desperately pleading with Alex to stay. "So that's it then?" she asked, "you're going to throw a everything away, after all this time?"_

 _"_ _Olivia, I'm not throwing it away. This isn't what I wanted for us. The fact that I'm not ready to be a mother hasn't changed, but I know how much Noah means to you, and I want him to be your son. I see how much you love him, Liv. I absolutely adore Noah, and always will, you know that. He needs you. I just…we are at different places in our lives. I love you with all my heart. I've been in love with you since the first day I walked into 1PP and you flashed a smile my way. I will always, always love you, Liv. I'm just not ready to be a mom. Now just isn't our time." Alex tried to collect herself, but seeing Olivia so upset made her heart break even more than it already was._

 _"_ _You should go," Olivia said, opening the door for Alex._

 _"_ _Please, Olivia, can we talk about this?" Alex begged. "I don't want to lose you as a friend."_

 _"_ _You need to go, Alex. There's nothing left to talk about," Olivia stated coldly. "You're made your mind up for the both of us."_

 _"_ _Don't shut me out, Olivia, I still want you to be a part of my life. I don't want things between us to be left like this." Alex touched the brunette's hand, but Olivia pulled away like she'd been burned by the blonde's touch._

 _"_ _The only thing that's being left here is me, Alex. Just go, okay? Just go." Olivia was getting angry, so Alex reluctantly grabbed her coat and stepped into the hall. She turned around to face Olivia._

 _"_ _I love you, Olivia," Alex said. Olivia paused for a moment, and then slammed the door shut. She leaned back against the door, slid down to the ground, and lost control of her emotions. From the hall, Alex could hear the love of her life sobbing on the other side of the door._

The phone vibrating pulled Olivia from her flashback. She wiped the tears that were running down her cheek before reaching across the coffee table to check the caller ID.

"Hey Rafael," she answered, slightly disappointed that it wasn't Alex's name on the screen.

"Hey Olivia, I just wanted to call and say goodnight to Noah before he went to sleep," he said.

"Oh, he's been down for an hour or so now. You really tired him out today! He talked about the park the whole ride home," she told him.

"Good, I'm glad he had fun! Did he tell you that he convinced Amanda to go down the slide with him? It was adorable. You should've seen it!"

"He didn't tell me, I wish I had been there!" she laughed, picturing Rollins climbing around on the playground. "Barba, thanks again for everything. You're the best friend I could ever ask for."

"Anytime, Liv. We all have your back," he assured her. "I hate to ask, but any word from Alex?"

"Nope, but maybe it's better that way. A clean cut is probably better. Noah asked for her again tonight, he keeps asking when she's going to come over, and I don't know what to tell him. He's too young to understand, you know? She always came with me to visitations, he really connected with her. Now she isn't around. It isn't fair to him."

"He'll stop asking eventually, Liv. It'll get easier. He has so many people in his life who love him, and you, and who will always be there. I promise," he said, hoping to provide her with some comfort. A sudden knock at the door made her jump a little.

"Raf, I have to go, someone's at the door. It's probably Nick checking up on me again. I'll see you in the morning," she said.

"Okay, goodnight Olivia."

"Goodnight," she said, before ending the call. She put her phone down and walked down the hall. There was a knock again, and she rushed over to open the door.

"Nick, you're so impatient!" she said as she swung the door open. She froze, and a whole bunch of emotions came over her as she saw Alex standing there.

"Alex," she started, "what are you doing here?" Olivia was happy to see Alex, but she was also angry, sad, and confused. She stood in the doorway, waiting for Alex to say something.

"Olivia," Alex spoke, "I…I…" Alex started to cry. Olivia shifted her weight onto her other leg, leaned against the door frame, and crossed her arms.

"You what, Alex? Why are you here? Three weeks have passed, no phone call, no text, you have refused to step foot into the squad room, you request Amaro and Rollins when you're assigned to a SVU case, and you couldn't bother to call on my birthday. So why are you here, why now?" she waited for a minute or two, and when Alex still hadn't answered her, she started to close the door.

"Liv, wait," Alex said. Olivia pushed the door back open and raised an eyebrow. "I'm sorry. I thought that I couldn't do this, but the truth is I don't want to be without you. I miss you. I've been avoiding you because I couldn't face you. I love you, Olivia, and scared as I am of being a Mom, I'm even more terrified of a life without you."

"Alex, nothing has changed, I'm still adopting Noah," she informed her.

"I know that. I want a second chance, Liv, that's what I'm saying. I may not be the perfect parent, but I want to try my hardest to make sure that Noah is as happy as I am when I'm with you. I want to build a family with you. I want a mailbox with 'Benson-Cabot' written on it. I want to spend my life with you, Olivia. You and Noah." Alex waited anxiously for Olivia to respond. Down the hall, a muffled cry interrupted them.

"Noah's awake, hang on," Olivia said, holding the door open for Alex. "I'll be right back." Olivia returned a moment later, holding Noah.

"Awweeex!" he shrieked when he saw the blonde standing in the hallway. Olivia put him down and he sprinted into Alex's arms. Olivia watched as Alex picked him up and gave him a big hug. Noah really loved Alex, and Olivia didn't want to take her away from him. Alex looked up and saw Olivia standing there, tears in the corner of her eyes.

"Noah, it's late, what do you say I tuck you back into bed and sing you the bedtime song?" Alex asked, resting Noah on her hip.

"Okay," he agreed, rubbing his sleepy eyes. Alex looked at Olivia for permission, and Olivia nodded. Alex brought Noah back to his bed, gently laid him down and tucked his blankets in around him. She sweetly sang him the bedtime song, the song her father had sang to her when she was a kid. Before she finished the song, Noah was sound asleep. She tiptoed out of his bedroom and quietly closed the door behind her. She found Olivia standing in the kitchen, nursing a glass of scotch.

"He missed you, you know. He's asked for you almost every night. I didn't know what to tell him," she said.

"Olivia, I'm so sorry. There aren't words for how sorry I am."

"You can't just come and go as you please, Alex. I won't put him through that again. I can't put myself through that again either. If you want to try to work things out, you need to be serious about it," Olivia told her.

"I am serious. I love you, Olivia, and I don't care what I have to do to prove that I mean it, I'll do whatever it takes. I want to be with you." Olivia paused for a long moment, before giving Alex an answer. Alex's palms were sweating, anxiously waiting for Olivia to say something.

"Well," Olivia said, looking at Alex, "you can start by coming over here and kissing me." Alex let out a sigh of relief, as she crossed the kitchen and felt Olivia's arms close in around her. She pressed her lips to Olivia's.

"I missed you," Olivia confessed, breaking the kiss.

"You have no idea," Alex agreed. "Olivia, I promise you that I am never going anywhere again. I will always be right here, right by your side. I love you."

"I love you too, Lex," Olivia whispered, pulling her soulmate in closer to her. "Let's go to sleep?" Alex took Olivia by the hand and led her down the hall to the bedroom. Both women undressed and crawled into bed. Alex nestled up close to Olivia and placed her arm around her. Olivia backed up close to Alex and laced her fingers through Alex's.

"Goodnight, my love," Alex whispered.

"Goodnight," Olivia mumbled quietly, before falling asleep.

The buzzing of Olivia's alarm startled her awake. She sat up in bed, throwing a hand over the alarm and feeling for the button to make it stop. She rubbed her eyes, and rolled over to see the other side of the bed empty. Assuming that Alex had gotten up already, she slid out of bed and smiled as she recalled the night before. A voice outside the door made her jump.

"Mommy!" Noah shouted. Olivia opened her bedroom door to see Noah standing there, pajamas around his ankles. "I used the potty, Mommy!"

"You did?!" she said, bringing him down the hall to his room. She saw his training potty in the center of the room, and was pleased when she saw that he had in fact used it.

"All by myself, I did it!" he said, excited about his victory.

"All by yourself?" she asked, "Didn't Alex help you?" Noah's face turned from happy to sad at the mention of Alex's name. He shook his head and pouted.

"No, Mommy, Awex is on vacation, remember?" he said, matter of factly. Olivia picked him up and hugged him. She pulled his training diaper back up, and fixed his pajamas.

"Sweetie, go ahead and pick out what you want for breakfast, okay? Mommy will be right there, I just need to clean up the potty, okay?" Noah smiled and ran away down the hall to scope out what cereal he wanted. Olivia carried the potty into the bathroom, and set it down on the floor. She collapsed onto the edge of the tub, and without warning, lost it. She thought the dreams of Alex coming back to her had finally passed, but she was wrong.


	2. Little Do You Know

If Alex had her way, Monday's would be illegal, punishable by 15 years to life. They always came way too soon for her. She looked forward all week to her weekend off, where she didn't have to look twice down each hall before leaving her office, or cautiously turn corners, nervous she'd run into Olivia. She got to her office early, as she'd done every day for the the last three months. If she got there early, she was able to avoid seeing Olivia on her way into the precinct. She hadn't spoken to Olivia since the morning she left, but she saw the brunette Sergeant every night in her dreams. In her mind she felt like she'd done the right thing, but her heart felt quite differently. On days when she felt like she was about to lose control, she'd hop into her car and drive around the city, past Olivia's house, past the park where she took Noah. More than once she'd parked out of sight and watched Olivia push Noah on the swings. She saw the joy that Noah brought her, and tried to convince herself that the two were better off without her. Alex quietly let herself into her office, and set her briefcase down on her desk. She hung up her jacket, sat down behind her desk, and sighed when she saw the date on her desk calendar. She reached down and opened her desk drawer, removing a wrapped box with a bow on it. She looked back at the square on the calendar two days ahead, and the familiar handwriting made her recall the day the important reminder had been scribbled there.

 _"_ _Alex, it's almost 8pm, are you coming home for dinner?" Olivia asked as she stepped into Alex's office._

 _"_ _Of course," she said, putting down the stack of papers she was working on. Alex stood up and walked over to Olivia, wrapping her arms around the taller brunette. "Just let me run to the bathroom, and then we can leave?" Alex left Olivia standing alone in her office while she went down the hall to use the ladies room. Olivia stepped behind the blonde's desk and sat down in her chair. She pulled out a red pen and shuffled the stack of paperwork to the side, revealing Alex's desk calendar. She took then cap off the pen and flipped through some of the pages. On one day, she drew a bunch of hearts and labelled it 'Anniversary.' She flipped the pages again and scribbled a little birthday cake, followed by 'Noah's Birthday!'_

 _"_ _You know, vandalism is a serious crime," Alex said when she returned to find Olivia leaving cute notes on her desk._

 _"_ _You can feel free to punish me later, Counsellor," Olivia mused. "Ready to go?"_

 _"_ _Ready," Alex said, grabbing her bag and buttoning her coat. She reached out for Olivia's hand, laced her fingers through her girlfriends, and leaned up to kiss her cheek. "Let's go."_

Alex got up from her desk, present still in hand. If she moved fast, she could leave it for Olivia and make it back to her office before anyone saw her. She locked her office behind her and quickly made her way up the stairs towards the SVU squad room. Stopping at the doors, Alex looked both ways through the glass windows and made sure the coast was clear. She scurried across the squad room, opened the door to Olivia's office, and set the gift down on her desk.

"Didn't anyone ever tell you that you shouldn't break into someone's office?" Alex jumped, nearly falling over the chair that was next to her. She froze when she realized the voice was Olivia's.

"Noah's birthday is in two days," she blurted, attempting to explain herself.

"Counsellor, I know when my own son's birthday is," Olivia stated coldly. She entered her office and set her stuff down behind her desk. She pointed to the gift on her desk, and looked at Alex questioningly.

"I, um, It's for Noah. I bought it before we…I mean, I had it made a while ago and I still wanted him to have it. You can tell him it's from you. There's a note on it, I was going to just leave it for you. I'm sorry," Alex's voice was shaking.

"Is that all? I have work to do," Olivia said. She certainly wasn't expecting to see Alex in her office, and she wasn't at all prepared to be speaking to the blonde.

"Yes, sorry. I'm leaving now," she said quietly, turing towards the office door.

"Hmm, where have I heard that before?" Olivia retorted. Alex felt the sting of Olivia's words as she shut the office door behind her. She bolted across the squad room and down the hall. She heard the ding of the elevator doors open, and spotted Rollins and Amaro stepping into the hall. She turned her back to them, planning her escape route. The only other way out was the stairs just down the hall. She turned and walked briskly past them, trying to hide her tears.

"Good Morning, Cabot," Amaro said cheerfully, oblivious to what was going on. Amanda smacked his arm, and then turned to watch Alex push through the door to the stairs and disappear out of sight.

"Jeez, Amaro," she said, turning back to face him, "you really are kind of clueless when it comes to women, huh?"

"What?" Amaro shrugged.

"Alex. She just darted right passed us. She's crying. She's coming from the direction of our squad room. It doesn't take a Detective to put the clues together," Amanda explained. Nick looked down the hall and through the doors he could see the light on in Olivia's office.

"Shit," he whispered.

Downstairs, Alex let herself back into her office and locked the door behind her. She curled up on the couch at the far end of her office and sobbed into one of the throw pillows. She was embarrassed that the SVU Detectives had seen her cry, angry at herself for hurting Olivia, and frustrated that she had been questioning her decision to break off their relationship. She'd been telling herself that she wasn't ready to be a parent, but when she remembered all the times they'd been able to take Noah out for the day, she always found herself smiling at the memories. Noah's giggle when the monkeys at the zoo ran past them, his smile when Alex shared some cotton candy with him at the street fair, teaching him how to go down the slide at the playground, and how peaceful he looked when he fell asleep in the stroller before they even got him back to the children's center. She was terrified of being a mother, but when she thought about the time she spent with Olivia and Noah together, she knew she'd made a mistake. Alex caught a glimpse of her watch and jumped off the couch, taking a tissue from the box on the table and wiping the tears from her face with it. She straightened her skirt and took a deep breath. She was about to be late for an arraignment. Now wasn't the time for breakdowns. Checking her watch again as she gathered her paperwork, Alex thought back to the night Olivia had given it to her.

 _"_ _Hi baby," Olivia said, taking Alex's coat from her as she entered the apartment. "How was the rest of your day?"_

 _"_ _Ugh, it didn't get much better. Buried in a mountain of paperwork, I was almost late for court, and Donnelly called a last minute meeting in her chambers as I was stepping out the door to come home. My back hurts from slipping on that ice this morning, and I'm mad that I shattered my favorite watch while trying to break my fall," she said, wrapping her arms around Olivia and enjoying the comfort that the brunette always managed to bring her. "I'm better now that I'm home,' she whispered._

 _"_ _Dinner is on the table, let's eat?" Olivia offered. She showed Alex to the table, which was romantically set with candles and glasses of wine. Alex spotted the plates of Olivia's famous chicken parmesan._

 _"_ _What's the occasion? My favorite meal, candles, did I forget an anniversary?!" she gasped._

 _"_ _Shh," Olivia said, laughing,"it's because I love you, and I know you had a bad day. I'm making it better." Alex smiled as she sat down at the table. Olivia kissed her forehead before taking a seat next to her. When they were done eating dinner, Olivia guided Alex into the living room, where there was a fire going in the fireplace. They both sat down on the couch, and Olivia wrapped a blanket around them. She reached over to the side table and picked up a small box tied shut with ribbon. "I had some time to kill after work, and while I was shopping, I saw this and knew that I had to get it for you," she said, smiling as she handing the box to Alex._

 _"_ _Liv? What is this?" Alex inquired._

 _"_ _Well, if I told you, it would ruin the element of surprise, now wouldn't it?" she mused. Alex gently pulled the ribbon off the box and carefully lifted the lid._

 _"_ _Olivia!" she exclaimed when she saw the most beautiful watch inside. "Liv it's gorgeous!" Olivia took the watch out of the box and secured it on Alex's wrist._

 _"_ _It looks perfect on you," she whispered, leaning in to kiss Alex._

 _"_ _Liv, I can't accept this, this is too nice," Alex protested._

 _"_ _Expensive, you mean? Alex, I love you. And that means once in a while I'm allowed to really spoil you, and you aren't allowed to worry about my money," Olivia insisted._

 _"_ _Okay, but I'm going to thank you in my own special way," she said, kissing Olivia's neck and pulling herself up onto the other woman's lap._

 _"_ _I'm not complaining," Olivia moaned._

"Earth to Cabot," Munch said louder, unsure if Alex had heard him the first time. Alex snapped back to reality to find Munch and Fin standing in front of her.

"Sorry, I was lost in thought," she confessed.

"Good thoughts, based on that smile," Fin joked. Alex blushed, and looked at the door, eager to change the subject.

"Ready to go? We go before Petrovsky in 15 minutes," she stated. She followed the guys out of her office, and tried to get herself back into court mode. While they elevator was taking them downstairs, she pulled a tiny mirror out of her bag, hoping her eyes weren't puffy from crying.

"She'll come around," Fin whispered to Alex. She game him a weak smile, appreciative of his support.

"Thanks. But I'm pretty sure she hates me." The elevator doors opened and Munch was the first to exit.

"Alex," Fin said as quietly they followed him out of the lobby, "I know she misses you too."

"I messed up, Fin, I messed up so badly." Alex swallowed hard and choked back tears.

"Give her some more time," Fin advised her, resting a hand on her shoulder, "then go talk to her. She loves you. She'll listen." Alex nodded, and the three of them got into a cab and gave the courthouse address to the driver.

Meanwhile, back at SVU...

Olivia watched as Alex ran out of the squad room. As soon as Alex was out of sight, she got up to shut the blinds on her office windows, and then returned to her desk. She picked up the notecard that was attached to the gift, and opened it.

 _Olivia- I'd gotten this made for Noah right after our day trip to the zoo. Please, pass it on to him? He should still have it. -Alex_

Olivia slid the gift into her bag and got back to work on the files in front of her. A knock at the door halted her progress just a few minutes later, and she grunted in frustration.

"It's open," she called. Amanda opened the door and stepped into the office.

"Morning Serg.," she said, "how was your weekend?"

"Good, not quite long enough though, how was yours? How are you feeling?" Olivia asked before motioning for Amanda to sit down. Amanda plopped down into the chair across from Olivia's desk.

"Morning sickness isn't as bad anymore, and I was able to actually get a bit of rest. I'm still adjusting to taking up more square footage," she laughed, pointing to her growing baby bump. "Look, Liv, it's none of my business, but we couldn't help but notice that a hysterical Alex Cabot sprinted by us on our way in this morning, and I can only deduce that she was here before. I just wanted to make sure you were okay." Amanda offered the brunette a warm smile.

"Thanks, Rollins. I'm…I'm not sure how I am," she said honestly, letting her guard down a little. She considered Amanda a friend, and although they weren't super close and she usually preferred to keep her personal life private, she knew that keeping everything in all the time wasn't healthy. "I'm having a hard time. Noah keeps asking when Alex is coming back from vacation. I don't know what else to tell him. I miss her, so much. But I'm so angry at her. She came by this morning before I got here, to drop off a gift for Noah's birthday, and I guess she wasn't expecting me so early because I saw her leaving the gift in my office. I wasn't exactly friendly towards her. I'm just…I wasn't expecting that to be our first conversation since the morning she left. I don't know how to stop loving her. I don't know that I even want to stop loving her. But Noah, he's my son now, and she was clear about not wanting kids, at least not yet. I'm sorry, I shouldn't be putting all of this on you," Olivia apologized, wiping tears from her face.

"Olivia, can I give you some advice?" Amanda asked, genuinely concerned for her boss.

"Please," Olivia agreed.

"Noah's placement with you, and his adoption, they both happened really fast. I never wanted kids either, and now look at me. The difference is, I've had five months to get used to the idea of being a Mom, and I still have four more to prepare for the baby being here. Honestly, if I wasn't pregnant, and someone came to me tomorrow and said 'oh by the way, next month you're getting a baby,' I'd probably freak out too. I think Alex was just overwhelmed; you know she'd never make you choose between her and Noah, so I think that she thought she was doing what was best. Talk to her, Liv. If nothing else, get some closure and agree to be civil for the sake of the rest of us," Amanda joked. She stood up and flipped up a picture frame on the edge of Olivia's desk. "Just think about it," she said, and then left Olivia alone in her office. Olivia tried not to look at the photo. It was painful to see Alex's smile, especially next to Noah's. As much as she hated to admit it, Amanda was kind of right. She hadn't exactly been fair with Alex, and Noah's adoption had happened a lot faster than even she herself was totally ready for. Olivia picked up the picture and leaned back in her chair, tracing her fingers over Alex's perfect face. She could still remember the day she'd taken the photo as if it were yesterday.

 _"_ _Boat!" Noah shouted when he saw the giant pirate ship inside the play room. Olivia had gotten them tickets for the Children's Museum, because it encouraged children's learning through fun and play. The playroom offered kids dress-up options, as well as props, and contained a large pirate ship as well as a kid sized house. Alex unbuckled Noah from his stroller and followed him behind the pirate ship, where she put a pirate's hat on him and handed him a foam sword. Olivia laughed when she saw the two appear on top of the ship, dressed like pirates. They waved their swords back and forth, and Alex let Noah beat her in a sword fight._

 _"_ _Oh no!" Alex exclaimed as Noah made her walk the plank, falling into a ball pit below._

 _"_ _Awex, okay?" he kindly asked, jumping in after her to make sure she wasn't eaten by one of the stuffed sharks circling the ball pit._

 _"_ _Freeze, you two," Olivia said as she held up her camera to snap a picture. "Say pirates!" Noah held up his sword and laughed while Alex smiled wide._

 _"_ _Pirates!" they sang, and ever since it had been one of Olivia's favorite pictures of the two of them._

"Should I come back another time?" A voice interrupted her daydream, and Olivia looked up to see Abbie standing in the doorway.

"Abbie Carmichael, what are you doing here?!" Olivia jumped up, greeting her friend with a big hug. She hadn't seen Abbie in almost a year since she'd accepted a job as the US Attorney, working directly under the Feds, though they still spoke once in a while via email.

"I'm on a brief vacation," she announced.

"So you came to NYC?" Olivia questioned, smiling at the sight of her best friend.

"Not exactly by choice," she joked, "my brother is getting married here and I'm in the wedding party."

"Well, it's really good to see you," Olivia said.

"Liv, what the hell is going on with you?" Abbie asked, cutting right to the chase. She sat down and leaned forward, waiting for Olivia to spiel.

"Abs, it's nothing, okay? I'm fine," Olivia tried to convince her, hoping she wouldn't have to talk about it.

"Olivia, you're sitting in your office crying over a picture of Alex Cabot. You're not fine, you and I both know that. Now tell me what's going on, or I'm going to go pay Ms. Cabot a visit and get the answers from her," she threatened.

"Okay, okay," Olivia blurted, "leave Alex alone. I don't need you to make this worse than it already is. I'm not fine. I'm a mess. But I don't think there's anything I can do about it, I just need to get over it and move on."

"Get over…Alex? Did I miss something?" she inquired. Abbie had known Olivia since college; they'd met at a Pride event on campus, and had been friends ever since. She knew Olivia was a lesbian, but Cabot? She was most definitely straight.

"You missed a few things. How much time do you have?" Olivia asked.

"All day, if you need it," Abbie told her.

"Coffee?" Olivia countered, "I need to get out of here."

"My treat," Abbie offered, and the two women left Olivia's office. They walked the few blocks from the precinct to the little diner that served breakfast all day. Once they ordered coffee, Abbie put her menu down and looked at Olivia.

"Start talking," she demanded. Olivia took a deep breath and cleared her throat before speaking.

"Abbie, Alex and I…we weren't just friends," she started, "we were…together."

"WHAT?" Abbie whispered in disbelief.

"Alex likes women, Abs. She wasn't out until after we started dating. We were together until a few months ago." Olivia looked out the window and watched people pass by on the street. She knew Abbie was trying to help, but she hated rehashing what had happened between her and the love of her life.

"What happened?"

"Noah. I applied to be a temporary placement for him, and while we were waiting for a decision, we'd visit him and take him on day trips. We didn't expect a decision for a few months, and Alex was adjusting to the idea of being a Mom. But the judge came back with a positive response after only two weeks. Alex freaked out, she wasn't ready. So she left," she told Abbie.

"Liv, I'm so sorry," she said, reaching across the table and putting her hand over Olivia's.

"I love her, Abbie," Olivia confessed, tears streaming down her face. "Noah loves her too. You happened to stop by right after I saw her, spoke to her, for the first time in over three months. It wasn't pretty." Abbie had never seen Olivia like this before. Even when Elliot put his papers in, Olivia had been really upset, but now her eyes were dark and she looked defeated. This was a different kind of hurt. This was a broken heart. Olivia's phone rang, so she pulled it out of her pocket and saw Amaro's number on the screen.

"It's SVU, I need to head back," she said. Olivia stood and put her jacket on. "Abbie, thanks for the coffee. If you aren't busy, come over tonight and meet Noah? I'll make dinner. I could use the company," she admitted.

"I'll be there at 6pm," her friend confirmed.


	3. Nobody Knows

**Author's Note: Hi! Thanks so much for the great reviews, and for the requests for more of this story. This chapter is shorter and I only proofed it once, as I have been really busy at work, getting ready for filming part of a documentary and preparing for National Suicide Loss Survivor's Day. I promise there will be more by the end of the weekend, I'm working on the next chapter now. This one goes along with "Nobody Knows" by Cassandra and Viktor from this season of The Voice. As always, I recommend listening before/while you're reading. Reviews are excellent motivation!**

As soon as Olivia got home from work, she was greeted by the biggest hug from Noah. As soon as the nanny was gone, Noah began telling her all about his day while she changed out of her uniform and slipped into some jeans.

"I went to the park with Sarah. We saw a cute puppy," he told her, pointing to a picture in his animal book. "She looked like this one! Her name was Daisy and I got to pet her, but I asked first," he explained.

"Good job, little man" Olivia praised him, "you remembered what Mommy said about always asking first!" She took his hand and brought him into the kitchen with her. "Do you want to help me make dinner?"

"Yes! I can help!" he said, really just excited to stir things. Olivia started a pot of water for the pasta, and chopped some tomatoes for the sauce while Noah sat on the floor in front of the fridge rearranging the magnet letters. When the doorbell rang at 5:45pm, she laughed at Abbie's promptness. _Some things never change._ She turned down the burner under the sauce and scooped Noah up, resting him on her hip as she made her way to the front door.

"I'm here," he shouted through the door.

"No, it's 'who's here?'" she whispered, laughing at his silliness.

"Who's here?" he called.

"It's Abbie," a muffled voice responded.

"Do you think we should let her in?" Olivia asked Noah.

"Okay," he agreed, as Olivia unlocked the door and opened it to let her friend in.

"Hey Abs," she said, holding the door open for her, this is Noah, Noah, this is Abbie."

"Hi," he said. 'I'm Noah. I'm almost three," he stated.

"Almost three? Well, we have something in common," Abbie joked, "I'm almost thirty-three." Olivia put Noah down while he giggled at Abbie's joke. He ran into the living room to play with some of his toys, leaving the two women to themselves.

"Thanks for coming," Olivia said, leading Abbie into the kitchen. "Dinner is almost ready, I should have known you'd be early!"

"Old habits die hard," Abbie mused. She washed her hands and started making the salad while Olivia seasoned the sauce and strained the pasta. "We still make a pretty good team," Abbie noted.

"You just wanted to help so we could eat sooner," Olivia added.

"You caught me, guilty as charged," she confessed. Abbie carried the food over to the table while Olivia brought Noah in from the living room. Olivia buckled him in to his booster seat and sat down next to him. Abbie sat across from them, and as soon as Noah said grace, they ate. The two women made small talk, cautious of what they spoke about in front of the little ears in the room. When they'd finished dinner, Abbie helped clear the table and load the dishwasher.

"You're supposed to be my guest," Olivia said, "you don't have to help me clean! Go relax while I give Noah his bath, I'll just be a few minutes." Abbie followed the orders and made herself comfortable on the couch, flipping through a magazine that she found on the coffee table. From the living room, she could hear Noah and Olivia giggling from the bathroom. A few minutes later, Olivia quietly shut his bedroom door and walked gently back to the couch.

"He usually doesn't fall asleep right after his bath, but Sarah took him to the park today and really tired him out," she explained.

"He's adorable, Liv, I'm really happy for you," Abbie told her.

"Thanks. He's my world," she said, as a sad look came over her face. When she'd imagined her world before, it wasn't just the two of them. But things changed, and she was making the best of being single mother and promised herself that Noah would always have the best life possible.

"How are you really doing? And don't lie to me, I know you too well for that" Abbie asked.

"It depends on the day," Olivia started. "Some days are easier than others. Some days I wake up crying, go to sleep crying, and cry at the mention of her name. Some days I'm so angry at her that I can't cry at all. Some days I'm so mad that I don't even miss her, until it's time to go to sleep and she isn't there to wrap my arms around. Noah asks about her less and less, but when he does, it's like a knife going right through my heart. How can I explain to him that she left? I used to have dreams that she came back to us, and then I'd wake up to the nightmare that it was just a dream. Those days are the worst. Then this morning, there she was, standing in my office, and I was so happy to see her, yet so angry at the same time. I sort of snapped at her."

"Start at the beginning? Fill me in a little," Abbie suggested.

"From the very beginning?" Olivia asked, unsure she wanted to relive those memories.

"Yup, the very beginning." Abbie waited as Olivia took a deep breath and leaned back onto the couch.

"Okay, do you remember when Bill passed? It was almost a year and a half ago now, Alex got he call saying he'd passed and she was a mess. He was her favorite uncle. She left her office and just started walking. She walked all the way from 1PP to my apartment. I still have no idea why she came here instead of going to see her family, or going home. I was home relaxing after work and she showed up at my door, hysterical. She was soaked and cold, as it was still winter and it had been raining pretty hard. Once I got her to take a hot bath to warm up, she sat on my couch drinking tea and crying on my shoulder. She fell asleep on me, so I let her stay like that until she woke up a few hours later. I insisted that she sleep in my bed, that I'd take the couch. After she got comfortable in my bed, I made sure she was okay and I went to leave the room to try to get some sleep on the couch, but she asked me to stay with her. She wanted me to hold her. So, I did. And it sort of became a pattern. That entire week, she couldn't go back to her apartment. It was Bill's old loft, and she didn't want to be there alone, so she stayed with me while she found a new place and had movers pack her stuff. Every night, she'd curl up next to me in bed and we'd talk for hours. I'd rub her back, or play with her hair, and I don't know Abbie, it just…it felt so right. But I knew she wasn't interested, that we were just best friends and she was just going through a hard time. A few days after the funeral, she was finally feeling a little better, and she asked me to dinner to thank me for all of my help. She picked the most romantic restaurant, but I just thought it was because of her fine taste. Then we walked through the city to the ice rink, where she insisted we skate. It was the first time I'd seen her smile since Bill had passed, so I agreed. She wasn't really stable on her skates at first, so I held her hand to keep her from falling. And then she kind of tricked me; she handed a woman her phone and asked her to take a photo of us, and after we posed, she turned and kissed me. And that was it. I knew I never wanted to stop kissing her. I wanted her to be the only woman I'd ever kiss again. We went home that night and she sort of had a lot of explaining to do. Basically losing someone close to her made her realize that life was too short to continue to hide who she really was. Until then, only Liz Donnelly knew that Alex liked women. And no one knew that Alex liked one woman in particular. Me. That night was…well we'll just say it was amazing. That's basically how it all happened. Alex got a new apartment, though she was here more nights than not. I started visiting Noah at the Children's Center and Alex would come with me, or we'd take him on day trips together. Just after we'd been together a year, his placement with me was granted. We'd expected it to take months, not weeks. She wasn't ready. So she left, said she didn't want to make me choose between the two of them. She doesn't want kids, at least not right now. And that's how it ended, as quickly and unexpected as it started." Olivia looked at Abbie, who was momentarily speechless.

"Olivia," she finally spoke, "if you cut out all the bullshit and forget everything that happened for a moment, do you still love her?" Olivia took another deep breath before answering.

"I'll always love her, Abs. Always."

"Then I think you need to talk to her," she suggested.

"There's not much left to talk about. Noah's adoption is official. She doesn't want kids. It's pretty black and white," Olivia insisted.

"Love is never black and white, Olivia." Abbie stood up and sat back down on the edge of the coffee table in front of Olivia, demanding her undivided attention. "Listen to me. Before you two got together, you and Alex were best friends. I know you're hurt, and I understand that. But Alex is hurt too, and I think you're both letting your own hurt cloud your judgements. You cannot avoid each other forever. Talk to her. Listen to what she has to say, too. There is no reason that you cannot be friends, even if that's all you'll be. Whether you want to admit it or not, you both still need each other as friends. Think about it, at least. And if you want to talk about it, I'll be in the city for another few days. Just promise me you'll think about it?" Olivia nodded, knowing that Abbie was right but not willing to admit it yet.

"I promise," she agreed.

"Good. I have to run, I have a date," she said, pulling her jacket on.

"A date?" Olivia questioned.

"With Casey Novak," she bragged. "Not that kind of date, just dinner with an old friend."

"Have fun," Olivia said, standing to give her a hug. "Thanks for listening."

"Anytime, you know that." Abbie showed herself out, and Olivia sat back down on the couch and thought about what Amanda, Fin, and Abbie had told her. They were right. The silence between her and Alex had gone on long enough. Olivia pulled her phone from her pocket and opened a new text message, a figurative white flag.

 _A- Noah's birthday party is Wednesday night, 5pm, my place. Please come by so you can have some cake and watch him open your gift? It would mean a lot to him for you to be there. Let me know. -O_

Olivia sighed a breath of relief, and hoped that Alex would accept her offer. She turned the TV on, hoping to distract herself while waiting for a response that may or may not even come. She flipped through channels before deciding on The Voice. A few minutes in, she was having trouble focusing until her two favorite artists, Cassandra and Viktor, took the stage and began to sing.

" _I pretend that I'm glad you went away,_

 _these four walls close in more every day,_

 _And I'm dyin' inside,_

 _And nobody knows it but me…_

 _The nights are lonely, the days are so sad,_

 _I just keep thinkin' about the love that we had_

 _And I'm missing you and nobody knows it but me…_

 _Tomorrow mornin' I'm hittin' the dusty roads,_

 _I'm g_ _onna find you wherever you go,_

 _And I'm gonna unload my heart,_

 _and hope you come back to me."_

 _How fitting._ Olivia wiped a tear from her eye and got up. She pulled a photo album off the bookshelf and brought it back to the couch with her. Curled up in a blanket, Olivia paused for a second, unsure she wanted to look through it. She'd picked it up a few dozen times since Alex had left, but always decided it would be too painful to open, and would return it to it's space on the shelf. She hesitantly flipped the book open to the first page, and tried to contain her emotions when she saw the first picture.

 _"_ _Olivia!" Alex shrieked as she grabbed the brunette's arm and balanced herself. It had been her idea to go ice skating in Times Square, but she'd forgotten one small detail. She hadn't skated in years._

 _"_ _Hold on," Olivia said, holding out her hand for the blonde. Alex laced her fingers through Olivia's and they skated hand in hand. After a few laps around, Alex was feeling more confident on her skates. She let go of Olivia's hand and skated over to the edge of the rink, pulling her phone out of her pocket and handing it to a woman who'd agreed to take a picture of them. "Smile!" Alex sang, holding on to Olivia's waist. Olivia looked down and noticed Alex smiling. She was glad to see her happy again. Alex could feel the brunette's eyes on her. When she looked up and saw Olivia still looking at her, she leaned up and kissed the brunette, while unbeknownst to her, the woman snapped another photo of their kiss._

 _"_ _You two are really cute together," she said, handing the phone back to Alex, wondering if Olivia had heard the comment._

 _"_ _Thanks," Alex replied, skating back to Olivia and wrapping her arms around the taller women. Olivia pulled Alex in close, and this time when their lips met, the kiss was different. It was passionate, lustful, and Olivia would have never ended it if there weren't whistles from other skaters as they passed by. They continued to skate and steal kisses for a bit longer before Alex suggested they head back. It wasn't until they were home and warming up by the fire that she went though the photos and saw the shot of them kissing, perfectly framed with the Rockefeller Christmas Tree and winter lights. Alex had printed out two copies, one for her desk at work, and one for the photo album she was making for the two of them. She'd been really happy to have their first kiss on camera._

Her phone buzzing on the table caused Olivia to jump a little. She put the photo album down on her lap and leaned over to check her phone. Her stomach dropped when she was that she had one new message. From Alex.

 _O- I'd love to be there. Thank you for inviting me. Before then, can we talk? -A._

Olivia smiled and sent a quick response.

 _A- Tomorrow morning, Joe's Diner? I'm working a double but I could swing breakfast before I have to head in. -O._

She got the butterflies when she thought about seeing Alex the next morning. She really did miss her. As quick as she was to respond, Alex was to answer.

 _O- Perfect. See you then. -A._

Olivia closed the album and put it back on the bookshelf. She turned the TV off, picked up her glass of water, and headed into the bedroom. If she was going to get up early to meet Alex, she needed to try to get some sleep.


End file.
